Programming with
a dose of satire.
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This article doesn't really have anything to do with software, except that it documents the recent experiences of a programmer. And it's an interesting diversion... [Publisher's Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek look at someone's trip to China. It contains humour, opinions and observations about a foreign culture seen from a Westerner's perspective.] A Programmer Returns To ChinaBy Dino Fancellu After my previous trip, many people had assured me that my negative experiences must have been the product of my own deranged imagination. So naturally I had no hesitation in returning. On returning to China, I resolved to see everything with a much more positive outlook and to try to find the inner beauty in all things, even ugly things.
Getting There On the flight over there, I noticed that the SAS air stewardesses were quite old, e.g. 40-60. My left arse cheek was numb for 8 hours, quite an odd feeling. The seats were definitely not as comfy as Virgin (who I flew with last time), but Virgin don't fly to Beijing. Brown, Beige-Ing. However the sky is very blue, cloudless most of the time, which makes it even colder. Brrr. The air here is very dry, creating lots of static. I regularly got zapped when touching metal; got sticky-up hair etc. The traffic was still as insane as I remembered. Traffic lights mean nothing here. They might as well be disco lights.
The Hotel We stayed in the Novotel Xin Qiao in Beijing. The hotel was nice-ish, but the staff never smiled. If I started off happy and determined to enjoy myself this time, the hotel staff soon brought me back down to the brown beige earth. It soon became obvious that no one gave a shit, or tried to pretend otherwise. The bath plug hole didn't work, so the bath couldn't be used as a bath. The coffee tasted horrible (super super strong and evil), the tea was weak; no milk was supplied; like something out of The Matrix, there were no spoons; the peach/tomato juice was odd (in fact we just couldn't find any nice orange juice in China); the bacon was wet, baked beans huge (some type of broad bean), very few westerners, maybe 2%. My advice: stick to fruit, pastries, things they can't mess up. Internet access from the hotel was messed up because the popup blocker kept closing the provider's popup window. So their Internet connection was self-defeating, meaning it was surprisingly difficult to get connected - brilliant! When I could get connected from the hotel, Internet access was expensive: 15 minutes cost £1! I much preferred the hotel in Hong Kong that charged by bandwidth used. This meant you could be always on without worrying about the cost mounting up. The network access was also very slow (via ethernet but felt like 56K). It really highlights how much spam I'm getting. Downloading 86 emails to get 4 real ones on a slow link is a bit depressing, especially when you pay for every minute online. China has the same(ish) electricy as the UK, 220v, so the laptop was easy to recharge. They tend to have about 5 different plug types(!) so
you may need to
use a simple mechanical adapter. It should work for the US too I'd imagine, as most laptop power adapters are in the 100-240v range.
Television TV is 40 channels of Chinese, plus CNN/HBO, i.e. very little entertainment for English speakers. (Natives are not allowed CNN at home, only foreigners!) The TV was much better in Xian/Shenzen, at least there were more English programs to watch. The programmes consisted mostly of historical soap operas, i.e. old Chinese, but little in the way of action. Oddly enough, there were very few martial arts movies; the genre seems more popular in the south. In fact there were very few movies of any kind, mostly just soap operas and game shows. Bizarrely, each morning there was an endless stream of adverts for medicine on TV. Supposedly that's because old people get up early. There were adverts for things that make you taller (?!), including "grow-taller shoes". They have no advertising standards as such, so they can make whatever outrageous claims they feel like. There were also adverts for skin whitening products, and a disproportionate number of adverts for stuff to make your hair silky. The TV adverts also jump in with no warning, i.e. one second you are watching a film, a microsecond later you're watching an advert. Very jarring. They have an odd habit of using the same footage repeatedly in one advert, or having the same advert play 5 times in the same commercial break. It's rather twilight zone until you realize it's not your imagination. Most adverts are hard sell, so simply repeating the same message is in line with their rather mindless marketing skills. Instead, though, it just drives you into a fury whilst you sit through the 10-minute advertising breaks, suffering the same adverts and jingles again and again. In a similar vein, whilst walking around Beijing we saw girls standing outside shops, simply clapping slowly with long faces. Supposedly this would convince you to go into their shop and buy stuff!
Eating Out Beijing has way fewer restaurants than Shenzen or Xian. Most seem to close at 10PM. Amazing! However KFC and McD's open till late. My impression, though, was that even if they were open, the variety would be very little; you really have to hunt restaurants down. When you do find nice places to eat though, the food tends to be plentiful and very cheap. For example, in the Forbidden City we had a very nice lunch at a cafe, huge portions, £3 for 2. We discovered a lovely 'home style' restaurant, just turn right outside of the hotel (Novotel Xinqaio) and it's the first restaurant you see. Just don't go late, as it closes before 10PM I think. Anyway the food there is cheap, plentiful, and good. A little salty, as is most Beijing food, so ask for less salt.
Of course if you don't have a Chinese speaker, like my wife, you may have issues. There is no way I'd go to China alone, but that's just me. As I said in my previous report, stick to pork or vegetables. Chicken and beef tend to be a bit ropy. I experimented by getting chicken dishes, but was disappointed. It's also very hard to get sparkling water: the choice is still or still. Never mind. Chinese people tend to eat noisily, mouths open, lips smacking, teeth gnashing, and with gusto. Slurp slurp, oink oink. Try not to stare. If you want a good coffee go to Starbucks. Everywhere else is pretty horrible, no real clue as to what coffee should be like. Similarly, don't bother eating Chinese chocolate, even obvious clones of Western brands. The worst ones taste like powdered gravel. Some more advice on eating out in Beijing can be found here. Looks like she had better luck finding a restaurant.
Sightseeing There weren't any pigeons on the street, they'd probably get eaten. (I later discovered that they come out at night and crap like troopers). The Forbidden City was large, very cold, quite boring. Less than 0.1 % westerners at this time of year. Same ratio in Beijing, there are loads more Asians in London or Sutton than Westerners in Beijing. At least people don't fall off their bikes staring at me, like in Xian. There's a little undergound train system in the centre of Beijing, 2 lines, line 1 and line 2. It's useful for getting around the centre but doesn't cover the majority of the city. We saw some cool acrobats at the Chaoyang Theatre, and got their DVD too. The acrobats were all Chinese (Schezuan), unlike the acrobats in Shanghai who were mostly Russian. We went to the Great Wall of China. Very cold. Climbing up the wall, which is far from horizontal, is knackering. The wall looks steep in photos: and when you're there, you realize the photos weren't lying. The effect on our legs was a bit like doing Hindu squats. We were feeling the effects for the next few days. We saw "Shaolin Kung Fu" troop. Ok, lots of flashy moves, some iron shirt, not really kung fu, but still impressive: I know I couldn't do what they do. Beijing has very few bookshops, people tend not to read books like in the UK. My wife's parents don't have a bookcase, even though they are University Professors.
A very common 'problem' here is that people think that they can speak English, when they can't. This leads to horrible translations and to tour guides who are impossible to listen to due to their very strong accents. It's actually painful to listen to, as your brain recognizes something like English and tries too hard to translate it. It's much easier when people just speak Chinese, as then my brain doesn't even try, it's more like music, or a dog listening to humans, I only recognise when I'm being talked about. I had to pretend to be asleep so that the guide didn't try talking to me. The poor Frenchman in front of me got the brunt of her mind terror attack. Chinese organisations should ask a native English speaker if what they produce is correct before 'going live' with the text. Do not rely on home grown translations from your 'English expert'. I would imagine any Chinese text created by an English speaker would be equally mad. A quick guide if you want a Chinese accent whilst speaking English: change every vowel to 'ar'. Bus becomes bars, dog becomes darg, wall becomes warll. It's not perfect but it gets you 90% there. The state of spoken English is terrible. This seems to be due to 'Chinese Whispers', where Chinese people teach Chinese to speak English. They never seem to refer to the source, e.g. English people speaking English. Pronunciation of English is like Chinese, so I rarely am able to tell when they are speaking English. My wife's sister teaches English at a Kindergarten which prides itself on teaching English, yet I can't tell what she's saying most of the time. And if she tries to correct the headmistress who makes many mistakes, she gets slapped down, as face is everything. If only they'd refer to an original source once in a while. By the way, "Kitty" is an English cat, "Katty" is an American cat. We didn't see a single dog for the whole trip. People need an expensive license to own one, but still it was odd seeing no dogs at all. Actually the same for cats too. We went to Beijing Zoo in the Xicheng District. The zoo houses many rare animals, both indigenous to China and from around the world. The Macaque monkeys seemed pretty happy, but most other animals seemed depressed. Quite a few were pacing back and forth in a tight loop, i.e. stereotypical behaviour. We didn't see a single keeper interacting with the animals. Soldiers are very visible on the streets and on TV. In the UK, when not on duty the soldiers wear normal clothes, yet in China they only seem to wear uniform. It's quite common to see soldiers walking down the street, or as contestants or judges on game shows. Quite odd to my eyes. Perhaps they don't have any other clothes. Something about China makes me go to sleep early, wake up early. This is good, but I have no idea why it happens. My sleep pattern is similar now that I'm home. I'm refraining from having tea (caffeine) in the evening, just in case it's that.
Xian
We stayed for a while in Xianyang, a little city outside Xian. The air quality there is very poor: not only dry, but super dirty. I developed a nasty cough like the natives within 2 days. Many factories around pumping out toxic plumes. Cannot be good! Lots of overstaffing, lots of people standing around looking bored in shops or chatting to friends. Like Beijing, Xianyang is a smile-free zone,
no please and thank you, just orders barked. At the local supermarket, the checkout girl argued with us, refusing to give us more plastic bags because "you kill the environment".
No, we just have bags that look like pregnant cats. Drivers tend not to wear safety belts, as in, I saw none. As always, risk is a very vague concept in China. Bad things happen to other people, always. We stayed with my sister-in-law whilst in Xian. They were right next to railroad tracks, which wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the trains and their incessant horn blowing. And not just one beep, but little melodies, like from Close Encounters. Or sometimes I'd hear trains calling to each other like love sick whales, 24/7 e.g. 3AM, 15 second songlets flying back and forth between various trains. Ha fucking ha.
The Journey Home The flight from Xian to Beijing was uneventful. But then the fun started... We were supposed to go back to London via Copenhagen, but found out that this flight was cancelled, and had been for a few days. We had to run around to find the SAS offices to sort things out. When we finally found them, we were asked if we wanted to fly today. "Yes!" we replied, surprised. We were booked onto another flight, but got to the next ticket counter on another floor to be told that the flight was already full, ho ho. After lots of faffing around we managed to get booked onto an Air China flight via Frankfurt. Air China was rather shit: there were no individual seat-back screens, and most of the in-flight entertainment was in Chinese with no English soundtrack (although being Air China, that was understandable!) Oh yes, the flight was an hour late, so we missed the connecting flight in Frankfurt. We were not actually told this, we just had to note the discrepancy between the 10 hour flight, and being 6 hours into our connecting flight with 5 more to go. Eventually we arrived an hour late, no announcement even given that it was late. We got to the Air China desk to be told that if we ran we might catch the flight. We ran like lunatics, I could taste the blood in my mouth I was running so hard. Then we got to the gate and were told that the flight had left ages ago. Eventually we got booked on Lufthansa which was a quick and painless flight. Also note that we NEVER saw a smile from staff in our entire time in China, yet the Lufthansa people were very friendly, one woman startlingly so. On this flight, when the plane landed at Heathrow everyone stayed in their seats as requested. This NEVER happens in China; they always undo their seatbelts and rush to the exits as soon as rubber hits tarmac. Even during the 5 minute taxi to the parking slot no one got up from their seat on the entire plane. Well done, it was nice to see some self discipline for a change. Glad to be back to obesity, rain, grey clouds and a devious left-wing government.
Talkback: Have Your Say Message Index:
The Messages: Note to self...Don't go to north China in Winter. Anonymous person Fri Feb 06 17:03:11 GMT 2004 Ah beloved China Hey there, funny articles -- although I picked up a little bit of cultural insensitivity that concerns me. I'm teaching in an industrial city called Wuhan and I've shared many of the same frustrations you and other foreigners have shared. I'm a programmer too (sort of) and I actually teach Computer Science right now at a University here. China is an acquired taste, no doubt, but the people here are very friendly. If you visit China or decide to work there you will be an instant celebrity as well as public property. Some people get turned off by all the attention, I think you just have to roll with it. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Understand that the Chinese are not Americans or Australians and they don't have to be. It's a beautiful thing when foreigners can learn to appreciate a host culture. Chinese do things differently because it's worked for them and as of right now they don't have any reason to change the way they do things. At McDonalds people rush to the front and that works for them. Kids have split pants because it's more convenient and cheaper than diapers for the kid to pea on the street. Not every culture shares the same values as we do. Of course in western countries (especially America) cleanliness is of the upmost importance, but not every country agrees. Honestly I get frustrated with my own people (Americans) more than I do the Chinese now, after being here for about 8 months. Our citizens especially act like they own every other country. I think we should work at being better ambassadors and learn to understand (maybe even appreciate) other cultures. Ok I'll get off my soapbox now, Jay Jay Callicott jay@jayinchina.com Hubei, China Mon Apr 19 10:27:52 BST 2004 Ermmmmm well?? I,ve been here in Northern China for just over a year and tend to sympathise with what has been said. China is strange, it's dirty, messy, undisiplined - you try quing to get on a bus, noisy, did I mention dirty, but that in some ways is it's charm. It's the people that make up for this.If ever I have a bad day teaching, I know that some student will talk to me and cheer me up, the same with the locals, just walking down the dust road- pavements what are they- and someone will smile, if you smile at them that is. The people are great, friendly even helpful. What I don't like is the inability to organise anything, to make a plan 24 hours in advance is to court disaster. I have spent a lot of my time in BJ and love the place, if I could find serious work I would live there. There are many resturants and good ones, but the price can be high. I and my friend had hot pot and it cost us nearly 100 yuan! for that we had more food than we could manage. Bookshops are usually hidden but there are some, there are also magazine stands everywhere, just no English books! And what about CCTV9 the english channel, boring but all in English. My advise is to get here soon, as in another year or so it will be like little America, unless you like that kind of thing. As somebody said, go with the tide then you will enjoy it. p.s. I need a programmer so give us an email. chris spring_chris2003@yahoo.com Shandong, China Mon May 10 11:31:29 BST 2004 thanks for info planning trip, daughter will be studying(chinese) in china with middlebury college aug to dec. we plan a visit in dec. afterwards she wants to find an internship or job or whatever to stay and cement language til next august. is it worth the train trip to xian to see terracotta warriers. you had relatives nearby, but for tourists, what do you think? sue lyon susanlyon2@msn.com northern nj, usa Fri Aug 06 16:57:05 BST 2004 dogs and cats Enter a community common people living, u will find a lots dogs and cats. Anonymous person Tue Sep 21 08:42:24 BST 2004 China - alien Wow,I read the reviews on China, and there are just so many different views on it. Well, I guess that travel does widens a person's view.It is always uncomfortable to get out of one's comfort zone. Whatever it is,we cannot be presumptious,for example, there are murderers and rapists in every country, even in good old England.Tell me I am wrong then I will agree with what you have said, old chap Dino. Sure, China is way back, but go read the history of London, when every dirty tricks in the book was used, so why do you think that this is growing pain, and that China will one day be more cultured and people will be like those in England or the America? melvin middle kingdom, asia Fri Nov 05 13:12:12 GMT 2004 I absolutely LOVED your travel log Thanks so much for a humorous perspective on travel to China. My husband and I are leaving for China in 6 weeks and I have been doing a lot of research on China and what to expect. Of course everyone talks about how great it is and how charming everything is and how gracious and friendly the people are. I knew it couldn't all be sweetness and light as I've been told! I have traveled abroad before, with my last trip being Egypt and the frustrations took a good 5 years off of my life, so I know what to expect on this trip, its just nice to find someone who tells it like it is without feeling they have to be politically correct on every little thing. I very much enjoy humor travel writing, such as Bill Bryson and P J O'Rourke and you fit neatly into that catagory. As I was reading I was thinking "this guy could write a book"....I imagine the English and American perspective on China are similar and travel does give one an appreciation for different cultures, but mostly it gives one a sense of appreciation for their home! Travel to China will be much like Egypt in that you cannot read the alphabet and the language is impossible. When I try to speak mandarin I sound like I am making fun of the Chinese. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for making me laugh instead of feeling like I need to be reverent at all times!! I hope you write more!! Debi Debi Stevens debi@bobbystevens.com United States Thu Feb 03 19:03:39 GMT 2005 I like it Your writings are hilarious. This is my type of comedy. Thanks Di Shen Cecilpay@yahoo.com US Thu Oct 06 06:24:42 BST 2005 I feel for ya, mate... Don't let anyone give you a hard time. I'm getting the hell out of China after five years...wife got her green card last month. Everything you said in this and your previous post is SPOT on. The hell with the P.C. sociologists. This country is one giant toilet. There. Not very culturally sensitive comment, now is it? Truth hurts... www.sinocidal.com canrun Sat Jul 21 08:12:54 BST 2007 for my retarded friend Dear Dino, Excuse my french(I'm french canadian) but you're a complete idiot, how come you have a chinese wife(my wife is mainland chinese) but you're so horrified by the chinese people, you did your best to write these comments willing to inflict as little nasty feelings as possible but is clear as daylight you'd rather never been here(China).I feel sorry for you; as a westerner(well, I come from Canada not UK) i enjoy so much China, people, food, culture, you name it and it didn't stink at all. I'm happy you got back home to UK, Cheers, Rob P.S.: How does your wife "agree" with your feelings for her fellow compatriots? robert val de la mer toronto, canada Mon Aug 27 03:40:22 BST 2007 Rob, you stink! My wife is chinese and I've been to China many times. She is a great person and I love her very much. Yet, I agree with the log. Chinese are dirty and undisciplined. So Rob, sod off! Edgar sdada@dasdasd.com M'cr, UK Tue Nov 27 17:39:26 GMT 2007
Books and Things About Beijing If this article has whetted your appetite and you'd like to visit Beijing, these guide books and fictional DVD might help (links to Amazon.com):
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