Programming with
a dose of satire.
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Bad Manager Personalities By Matt Stephens The software world is filled with managers. Some good, many bad. But what constitutes a bad manager? We investigated, and discovered that the genus "managus baddus" is really divided into lots of individual species of crap manager, each with their own distinct personality. The Natural History Museum has been alerted. Here are the species we've discovered so far:
Always Busy So Laid Back He's Horizontal
Brain in a Different Dimension Chirpy, Patronising Sod
Inflated Ego Fragile Ego Physical Guy Rambler
Mind of a Twelve-Year-Old The Firebug Talkback: Have Your Say Message Index:
The Messages: Incompetent QuarterbackThis idiot will depend on you to make him look good. Any time you hold out, he´ll accuse you of not being a team player and slam you on your annual review. If he starts failing, he´ll tell his supervisors it´s because you´re not a team player and get you fired or driven out. He knows he can burn through maybe 15 of you before he´s found out and has to get a job elsewhere. Dean Webb deanwebb@zzzptm.com Hellacious Acres, USA Wed Aug 08 01:58:08 EDT 2001 Micro Manager and Action Man(ager) MicroManager ------------ They come in 2 flavours (and a 3rd evil combination) 1. The ´HOW´ micro-manager who blindly follows methodolgies down to the unnecessary coding level (UML, Yourdin, ISO900, XP, RiP) 2. The ´WHAT´ micro-manager who comes to you every 10 minutes after doing their own analysis. 3. The ´HOW´ and ´WHAT´ manager. I´ve never come across this type of manager, but would probably chin him within the hour. Action Manager -------------- True story. I was brought in, about 6 years ago, as a consultant architect by senior management to build a large system for an investment bank. After discussing a fail-over algorithm with a team for about 10 minutes, their manager turns to me and says "We´ll have less of this (making talking motions with his hand) and more of this (making typing motions with his hand)", he was a clue-free zone. The system is still in place, but the failover mechanism was never implemented. Robin Sharp robin.sharp@javelinsoft.com London, England Fri Aug 10 06:14:19 EDT 2001 The Half full/half empty Dabblier The the Half full/half empty dabblier manager is the one that starts to actually track something, but never gets passed half way because we´re now half way finished and on coast level. You can never really tell what is going on with a project managed by the Dabblier. When his superiors start seeing the lack of information the dabblier once again starts half way tracking the information, only to once again stop about half way through the next cycle. The flip side of the same manager is the one that starts with a full schedule and starts removing things from the schedule as they get half way or more completed, then stops tracking after half of the objects have been removed. Ronni vampkitty@vampkitty.com California, Probably the USA Mon Aug 13 19:03:54 EDT 2001 The Half full/half empty Dabblier The the Half full/half empty dabblier manager is the one that starts to actually track the project details, but never gets passed the half way mark of tracking because by then in his mind we´re now half way finished and on coast level to completion and its just mop up at that point. You can never really tell what is going on with a project managed by the Dabblier. When his superiors start seeing the lack of information the dabblier once again starts tracking the information, only to once again stop about half way through the next cycle seeing that once again we´re on the down side of the project in his mind. The flip side of the same manager is the one that starts with a full schedule and starts removing things from the schedule as they get half way or more completed, then stops tracking after half of the objects have been removed. Ronni vampkitty@vampkitty.com California, Probably the USA Mon Aug 13 19:07:11 EDT 2001 The Take it off line Manager The Take it off line manager is the manager who always at every meeting when a discussion actually erupts says ´Lets take it off line´ and moves on to the next topic on the agenda However the ´items taken off line´ never materialize into a meeting. When reminded about the ´take it off line´ the manager then says ´lets bring it up at the next meeting´ and then re-starts the cycle of ´take it off line´. Ronni vampkitty@vampkitty.com California, Probably the USA Mon Aug 13 19:12:00 EDT 2001 The Pope and His Cardinals This manager thinks he´s the Pope, and that each of his programmers shares, somehow, in his infallability. He thinks that, by sheer force of will (read: by browbeating), he can cause every program to be written perfectly the first time, with no formal specifications beyond his verbal description *ex cathedra*, and without any actual testing. No test systems ever exist in His Holiness´s networks...only production systems. Test systems are for bunglers that create "bugs". He doesn´t have TIME for bugs, so he will simply browbeat his programmers into promising that they will never, ever, EVER create one. After all, if they DO create a defective piece of code, it casts aspersions on his infallability, and then the programmer must be scapegoated and thrown to the wolves to be torn to shreds. Typical utterances of His Holiness: "What? Take time to FIX the code? Are you insane? We don´t have time for that!" "What´s a ´bug report´?" "It´s too late! We´re screwed!" "Do you realize how much money you´ve cost us?" "No, you can´t have a day to ´test´ that code. I need it online NOW!" "No. There can´t be any bugs. I say so." "I simply can´t have all these errors. Two code defects in six months is just unacceptable. You´ll have to do better." Usually, the Pope is a partner in the Company, and only has his position because he started the thing in the first place. No one would actually have HIRED him to do the job, because he doesn´t really have the experience for it. Fern Pennsylvania, USA Sun Sep 16 12:36:36 EDT 2001 Programmer == Typist I´ve had two jobs where I´ve been told that, if I´m not actually *typing*, they don´t think I´m *working*. I was an analyst at both jobs. In one, creating flowcharts and diagrams (on paper) was a significant portion of the job. The boss said that, unless I actually had my eyes on the screen and hands on the keyboard at all times, it "looked bad" to the other workers...who were data-entry people, hired specifically to type all day. I had to buy a flowcharting program (out of my own pocket) to satisfy his dictum, so I could do my work AND keep my eyes on my screen. He wouldn´t reimburse me for the program because it was an "unnecessary luxury". In the other, I had taken a moment to stop and think about a coding problem and was looking at the ceiling. The manager picked that moment to walk by, saw me, and went to my supervisor and had me fired "because she was staring into space and wasn´t typing" so I was *obviously* loafing. Gwen ardrhi@voicenet.com USA Sun Sep 16 12:48:05 EDT 2001 Mighty Mouse Feeding their own ego at the expense of your sanity is the mainstay of the Might Mouse Manager´s existence. Instead of working towards joint goals or building a positive atmosphere, they thrive on making sure that their entire staff´s combined intelligence level looks as if it is approximately that of a pithed frog. They´ll burn the midnight oil to make sure that your job description stays secret from you, that your name never appears on anything that you have developed, that you and your teammates are pitted against each other to break down moral, that you are only given half the tools needed to do your job with a quarter of the staff necessary so that they can come blazing in to "Save The Day" after you´ve been set up to fall hard and fast. Then they will pepper your review with statements like, I have had to repeatedly save him/her from their own inability to manage a project and give up my own personal time to do so. Bamboo cms_sugarbabe@excite.com East Coast, USA Sat Sep 22 15:52:01 EDT 2001 Dev is the project. Steering mechanics of "Management" is consistently top-heavy. Live with it. How true it is to place pride and ownership of your code. Align with "brains" of the organization. DEV! In software development, it´s about the code. In the scope of tasking the development cycle and arriving to a version. Only to get to the next version. Back to steering "open" planned obsolescence. Give me jar I will fill it up. Please, next(version) I want a bigger jar. Shawn spride@home.com Alki Sun Nov 11 05:16:29 EST 2001 me me me... He think he´s the best at everything and knows everything. Trys to prove this by giving you obvious suggestions on how to do your job, things that u had thought of last week/month/year. If you don´t think he´s right he´ll repeat his point until u get sick of him and say yes anyways. When he breaks something it´s always someone else´s fault. Optional features: Hires people, buys servers & makes products that are not profitable or make no revenue, just to be able to bring clients in an pretend that he´s got a big company. hankin hankin@dunno.com sydney, australia Mon Nov 12 01:52:31 EST 2001 Blame it on contractors manager A guy who is wobbly in the first place. So avoids hiring permanent - hires contractors and thinks since he is paying more the contractors will do the management. Then contractor leaves and he doesnt have a clue. The next guy entering is doomed from start coz he is there to take the blame Debjani debjaniroyc@hotmail.com Ireland Mon Mar 04 10:03:20 EST 2002 The Shape-Shifter - the incarnation of Evil The Shape-Shifter thrives best in enterprise-level middle-management. My supervisor is a Shape-Shifter so I am an expert witness. I´ll call him the SS. The SS usually has the support of his manager, which tends to think of the SS as the "golden child" due to the constant shallow ass-kissing displayed by the SS. The SS is not intelligent enough to gain respect otherwise and his manager is egotistical enough to believe what the SS is saying. With this high-level buy-in, the SS is free to reign oppressively over his subordinates by using a combination of psychological tactics. These aren´t exactly Jedi mind tricks because they are elementary and barely concealed. Never mind that - the SS believes he is a master of deception; the moronic minds of the subordinates couldn´t possibly detect his motives! Brain-@&*! #1: The Good Samaritan (voiced in company of the SS´s manager) "I´m hiring you because there is extremely low morale on the team and we simply don´t know why - we hope you can help clear up their misconceptions". "They need a strong voice for their group". Brain-@&*! #2: Purple Haze "You say that they feel I am to blame? Give me instances. Can you document these?". Here are the instances. "Well - this is not true". "Neither is this". "I think you are sparking an ´Us vs. Them´attitude here". You are weakening their respect for you by trying to turn them against me". Brain-@&*! #3: Revelations - "And a Great Beast rose out of (insert Enterprise company here) Inc. and on each of its heads were ten years of Marketing Awards..." Here the SS begins to manifest truly psychotic behavior. He develops three separate personalities. The Caring SS tells his manager that he just doesn´t know why you are so upset. Maybe you can´t do the job. The Evil SS deprives you of any positive feedback. The Evil SS suggests his methods of problem-solving and shows resentment and retaliation if you choose a better path. The Buddy SS buys beer for your team and offers the same ass-kissing as he does to his supervisor. The Buddy SS tries hard to show your team that he is the Lamb of God and you are Beelzibub. So if you call the SS´s bluff (for the tenth time)? Shock & amazement! "I´m so sorry you feel that way. I had no idea you had that misconception. We really needed to know why the team was so down and you haven´t brought us any information. I am disappointed that you couldn´t resolve this. That´s why we hired you a year ago". These are but some of the schemes of the SS manager. He can take any form, at any time, to avoid suspicion and snake into the shadows of your mind. My best advice if you are dealing with the SS manager? Evil breeds evil. If he has been with the company that long - he already has them mesmerized. Quit and cut your psychiatric losses. The pay cut during the job search will be cheaper than psycotherapy. You want to stay at the job? Don´t go to his supervisor! Hire an exorcist and pray for deliverance. Susan susan@smartbinary.com Texas, USA Mon Mar 04 23:48:25 EST 2002 The Animated Outlook Calender A manager whose only contribution to the team is assigning due dates and then running around reminding everyone of the due date. I can get Outlook to do that for me. Why do I need a manager. Kevin kevjv@hotmail.com Tue Mar 05 18:29:54 EST 2002 The Politician The Politician just wants to keep his management position. He doesn´t really care if any work is getting done or the customers are happy just as long as he can dup upper-management. He will book his entire day with meetings that do not result in any action items. He will never say what his opinion is on an issue, unless he has heard the majority opinion of the other politicians so that he can join in their "group-think". He dresses well and acts busy and important. He keeps an immaculate cubicle that he is never in, and when he is there it is only to write emails. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear. He avoids controversy and conflict at all costs when in group environments. One-on-one with people he trusts, he attacks the character of his rivals behind the scenes. The politician also engages in "empire building", hiring yes-people and engaging in secret projects hidden from upper-management. Anonymous Portland, OR, USA Thu Mar 28 17:53:48 EST 2002 The Gatekeeper The Gatekeeper is a control-freak. He makes sure that all communication into and out of his team goes through him. His team members have no contact with anyone else in the company and their only knowledge of what the corporate objectives are comes from the Gatekeeper. The Gatekeeper manipulates both his team and other teams by distorting the information that passes through him. He will tell other teams that his team is doing things that they are not. Since there is only one source for the information, it is difficult for other teams to know if there are differing opinions on an issue. If someone on his team attempts to contact someone outside of the team, they are disciplined by the Gatekeeper. The Gatekeeper prefers that few in the company even know of his team´s existence because it makes it that much easier to control the flow of communication. He delays putting projects into production as long as possible because doing so would require him to spend more time manning his Gate. Anonymous Portland, OR, USA Thu Mar 28 18:05:20 EST 2002 manager that was on the take How about a manager who gives a senior analyst employee a bad review and refuses a raise so he has more of his budget to put towards consultants that are going through his (wife's) company and getting a cut of the action? Thought I saw it all, but this manager took the cake at a children's publishing company in charge of e-commerce systems. He is the lowest of the low (below personal injury lawyers and used car salesman) What a DICK! Joe Mama jmama@aol.com NYC, USA Tue May 21 03:11:46 BST 2002 John Robinson, England. My manager has the wrong approach to staff and customers. He expects things to be done and he sits on his ass and takes the credit. He does not value his staff and has lost 12 staff in the last year. All i can say is John you suck, and need to get a life. Anonymous person Sat Sep 28 21:43:38 BST 2002 The Sociopath Sounds like a joke, doesn't it? I was hired into a department of a large city. They had a huge web project being written by an outside consulting firm. My new boss told me that since the project was well underway, there was little hope that I could contribute and that my help wasn't necessary anyway; everything was under control and I should "do nothing". He treated me very respectfully at first; I told my wife that I thought this was possibly the best boss in my experience. In the initial weeks while I poked around into the various systems, he would engage me in long conversations wherein he patiently detailed his troubles with the end-users (a separate department), the consulting firm and with the other employees in his shop. I was surprised to be taken into his confidence so quickly. But being the expert, I couldn't resist digging into the new web project. It was a disaster. Turns out that the consulting firm had no prior web application experience whatsoever. The code followed an incoherent design guaranteed to bring a server farm to its knees. I raised objections; I became actively involved in testing the system which, after nearly a year's development, could run only a few minutes before crashing. Each day I stumbled upon new bugs and security flaws. As the weeks rolled by my boss, running over budget and months behind schedule, with a product that could not stay up more than two minutes, began to openly exhibit signs of being a true sociopath. My bug reports, printed in excruciating detail, were at first forwarded to the consulting firm. But later my boss ceased to look at them; he entered a state of denial. I kept documenting the problems. I was a few offices away along a narrow corridor from my boss; I could hear discussions in his office quite clearly. He began to gripe about me to his second-in-command (#2, an excellent female employee who was totally devoted to him). In one case he concluded that I had misled him about an algorithm which he had presented to a committee; they had argued about it, and he had been unable to defend the logic. After consulting with #2, I gathered my notes and explained the algorithm to him once again. He admitted that the algorithm was correct, but nonetheless remained unsettled. This was the beginning of the end. Things just got worse. To summarize, it turned out that _everyone_ around him, with the curious sole exception of #2, was "out to get him", that "he didn't know what they were thinking", and that everyone (end-users, his underlings, the consulting firm) were "sons of bitches" out to get him. Every mistake he made was attributed to someone else; he was, in short, a true sociopath. Now this fellow's background was Iranian and that society is patriarchal. In such a society loyalty to your boss is a primary desirable trait (indeed perhaps the only trait of consequence). I tried to interpret his situation in that cultural context, but came to the conclusion that, even given the cultural difference, he was overstepping the boundaries of proper behavior. It also became clear that he had very bad relationships with his direct family: an ex-wife and both of his children. His attempts to control these three people (mainly with offers of money), although they were all estranged from him, were bizarre at times. Three months into the fiscal year a notice arrived that the entire annual budget for the project had been spent and that no more was available. The system was no further along; during every live test the system had been hacked into within a day. All but one of the consultants had to go, at least until further funding was available. My boss put me to work on some reports. I was glad to finally get the opportunity to do some programming. But I needed to know the database structure (there was no documentation, I had no DB rights and had no access to the UNIX boxes where the database resided). I asked the sole remaining contractor to set up an account for me and began to quiz him about the system. Next day my boss intervened: I had broken his rule that no one except him should speak (_not_one_word_) to the contractors. His take: "they are expensive and their time is valuable, we cannot distract them. You should bring all questions to me." I replied that my questions were technically detailed, that he did not understand them, that the system had no documentation and that it would be excruciating to communicate through him. Now unfortunately this was all true, but he continued to insist that all communications go through him. After several days of this I told him the sad truth: that I couldn't work through him, that the system was a failure, that it was poorly designed and implemented and would never work. Weeks before I had written detailed criticisms of the project and it's fiscal and technical mismanagement. I turned those reports in to my boss's superiors along with my resignation. Within minutes of submission, word of my report's contents was passed to my boss. By the time I returned to my office, he was on the phone, attempting to ingratiate himself to a developer he had publicly humiliated to tears only days earlier in an attempt to get the consulting firm to fire him. My boss needed someone at the consulting firm to defend him against my reports, and was attempting to un-burn the bridge he had destroyed. And this wasn't ordinary speech: it was a cloying, pathetic attempt to heal the rift between my sociopathic boss and the developer: "You are the best, B., you have done so much for me, your work is so wonderful, etc." spoken with a sickeningly sweet lilt as one uses when soothing an upset child one is holding in their arms. It was eye-opening to hear such a blatant manipulative attempt - but it revealed how manipulative a sociopath can be. So be wary of a boss who is too kind to you. And be especially wary of a new boss who takes you under his wing, treats you as a confidant and complains about how others around him are trying to "get him". Eventually you also will be treated as an enemy. In short, he may be a sociopath. Anonymous person Texas, US Tue Oct 07 17:08:46 BST 2003 Mr. Slate My manager would best be described as Mr. Slate from the Flintstones. A man that has seemingly no positive qualities and is to only be feared. His favorite saying is "The boss is always right." and he really believes it. This type of manager get his position by being the best friend of the president of the company or maybe a son or close relative, he has taken only the minimum required education for the position that was his anyway. He does not know the skills and abilities of his employees, he does not have the communication skills to convey what it is that he wants or expects. He can only demand that it be working by Friday. Deadlines are not based on the complexity of the program nor the need for it but on how bad he wants it (to no doubt show upper management 'his progress') which causes quick fixes to be used instead of solid approaches so the entire product suffers and more time is spent fixing what was not correct in the first place. It would be good for the programmers, because it insures that we would all always have a job, except we would have rather have done it right in the first place and would like to get away from the job as Mr. Slate is a dickhead that none of us like. On top of all that Mr. Slate hates anyone being late, (anyone meaning not the boss) even if an employee arrived at 8:01, she/he would be called in to his office to have a conference over this offense. Of course for Mr. Slate coming late is not a problem he can show up at anytime or not at all if he wishes. He has every computer on the network set up so that he can log in as any user and access their files or even "shadow" the use to see exactly what the user is doing. He reads employee's email and visits the web sites they go to. Another problem with Mr. Slate is that he has a disgusting sense of humor. He would find it funny to hide the crutches from of a blind man with one leg. When sending Mr. Slate an email there is no guarantee that he will read it (especially if it is more than a few sentences). However if he sends you one you better respond quickly (and I mean he will send the email walk over to your desk and ask you to check it), it will be had though as his lack of knowledge of programming and employees will lead to messages that one can only guess at what they mean. One time I got an email of 3 sentences that didn't make any since at all. He is a disgusting man that is not above sexually harassing the secretary or telling a racist joke at a meeting. anonymous somewhere , usa Tue Dec 16 22:06:45 GMT 2003 sleeping employee The employee is a great producer and has great production, but he sleeps at desk and is late all the time... Becky brice@firstam.com Texas, Dallas Thu Jul 22 03:31:25 BST 2004 Why not do it right with Leadership? I hear so much about the wrong way. What's the right way. Superior leadership is a strategy to inspire people to do more, dream more and learn more. Values are the centerpiece of that strategy because everyone respects high standards of all the good values like industry, fairness, forthrighness, compassion, honesty, etc while they disrespect low or negative standards. Listening is the most important leadership skill of that strategy because people cannot be motivated or committed to something if they can't "put in their own two cents", when they want and how they want, or if they can't understand and be in on the decision process for things which affect them. Of such things is TRUST built. So what should bosses do?? It starts with providing employees regular opportunities, one-on-one and in groups, to express their complaints, suggestions and questions. These must be answered fully and in a timely fashion, no hipshooting please. All of the boss' actions is so doing must meet the highest standards of common values like honesty, respect, fairness, forthrighness, industriousness, admission of error, knowledge, quality, and the like. As the boss corrects the complaints, the boss' leadership toward higher standards improves because people generally only complain about things which reflect low standards, your leadership. These actions will have many effects on employees. As their complaints are respectfully addressed, they will begin to believe that their bosses care about them. They will start to believe that they are valued team members. They will learn how to fix things using the highest standards for all values. They will learn how best to treat their customers, each other and their work. They will start to use their own brains and actions to solve workplace problems, to innovate and to work more effectively, all because the boss is showing such high regard and respect for them. Productivity will rise and keep rising. Creativity, motivation and commitment will do likewise, but only so long as their complaints, suggestions and questions continue to be addressed regularly, respectfully and completely. Why even make a complaint or a suggestion if no action will be taken? There is much more to a superior leadership strategy. Go to http://www.bensimonton.com if interested in learning more. Best regards, Ben Simonton bensimonton@yahoo.com Florida, USA Mon Oct 11 15:21:37 BST 2004 Bad managers make you cranky? Great stories. 70% of people who leave their job do it because of their managers. I spend a lot of time on my podcast, The Cranky Middle Manager Show trying to figure out how NOT to be that guy... check out the show (http://cmm.thepodcastnetwork.com) Keep up the good work. Wayne Turmel wayne@achismarketing.com Chicago, USA Mon Jan 30 01:10:40 GMT 2006 Ignorant Lousy Manager I was hired as a Safety Shutdown (ESD) consultant on an LNG plant with this company. First day I walked in the tall stupid manager gave a a set of outdated schematics to start working on right away without setting up my compauter station first or reading the scope of the project. This guy is a micromanager with stupid short sited brain. after 5 days I found some mistakes on the drawings and went to show my supervisor, who looked at them and said these been corrected. we found out I was working on 3 versions behind. When I told him Rick gave me those first day on the job, he laughed and said welcome abroad. This tall stupid guy has fear talking to anyone. The guy can not talk at all. laked communication skills big time, No decission ablity what so ever. Afetr 6 months I gave up on his ignorant stupidity and told him to his face what I felt about him before moving on! Bye Rick! you were born stupid and will die stupid. ROB Rab_Rad@yahoo.com Pittsburgh, USA Sun Apr 30 11:16:01 BST 2006 Micromanaging, oversimplyfing jerk Micromanaging: "You should try to have lunch at your desk." This jerk Could Not bear to see the subordinates take an hour off for lunch. "I was here on the weekend trying to finish up." True , but you get paid twice as much as I do! When I was in your position , I never left before 11:30 pm! This brought down employee morale, and the team rebelled. The project which needed just two weeks of concerted effort, is now incomplete. The paper was sent back : three times. Micromanagement is the trademark of insecure bosses. Microamanagement is synonymous to mismanagement. Especially when it comes to software development. Oversimplyfying: " This job is very easy! You already have all the modules. You just need to sew them together." "Is it not done yet? You find it too complicated?" The Jerk took two hours longer than I did. We, the ex-employees were so tired that we quit and started our own company. There is a God though: A peer took this jerk's publication apart in a series of papers... (I would never show up at another conference if that were done to my publication.) clemson clemson29j@yahoo.com WI, USA Sat May 13 07:06:07 BST 2006 hasn'taclue manager This manager is very bad at their job but covers it up with an air of superiority tied up with lots of compliance red tape. I know - I've got one!~ Attempts to make you feel bad about your capabilities to do your job which will convince themselves that they are the superior being. The only way to handle them is to play into their ego whilst putting in official complaints behind their back I reckon. E.g. "you're right boss - i'm so dumb its miracle i can even make my way here every day. Really my angle now is to have a sense of humour about it all, whilst having a very serious outlook. E.g. only 3 disciplinary warnings this year? My you're slipping up. Also I'm beginning to feel happy about any future serious warnings as apparently you can now claim cash - up to £10,000 for unfair dismissal in the uk. Now - how to push her to dismiss me???? nb my boss isn't even in IT but these reptiles are everywhere - infiltrating our society....... catherine catherinemcgarrity@hotmail.com scotland Tue Dec 18 22:11:28 GMT 2007
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