"Dot-Bombs" Takes on a Whole New Meaning

2 December 2001, 17:37 GMT

Key executives who came from Sun Microsystems, Microsoft, IBM/Lotus, AOL/Time-Warner and Vermont-based Dent-a-Byte Computer Consumables Ltd, have clubbed together to create a new toilet cartel, ToileTri7 Inc.

The new consortium is set to take the high-tech toilet market by storm. As an opening gesture described as "a mere indication of what is to follow through", they have bought "old-school" lavatory manufacturer Armitage Shacks, lock stock and slightly scaggy bowl.

As the icing on the "urinal cake", they have also snapped up Fluffy Puppy Toilet Roll Ltd.

As is the custom with IT startups, ToileTri7 Inc started out as the much more mundanely named Panhandle Systems Ltd. However, $2million and a 6-month marketing study later, they relaunched with their new rebranded ToileTri7 Inc moniker and a massive marketing campaign (including obligatory Superbowl ad) and dynamic corporate colours (a sort of muddy brown embedded with the occassional 3D-bevelled peanut effect).

Chief Executive of the Month, Brad Silverstream, explained: "We are bringing the defecatory industry grunting and squirming into the twenty-first Century. The old-school way of doing do's is dead. It's about time this dinosaur-like industry was given a kick where the sun don't shine!"

ToileTri7 applies its own dynamic brand of IT-style marketing. Their catchy twenty-first Century slogan:

Poo. Wipe. Flush.

Their flagship product is described as having: "robust, solid performance; multi-teared architecture; full event logging; clustering with multi-bowl failover - in the event of a hardware crash (or splash), the mirrored bowl will kick into action immediately, seamlessly, so the user will (hardly) notice the switch."

In addition, their produce description burbles: "Middleware provides robust back-end support with near-zero latency, dynamically produced output and styled-sheet transformations."

The enterprise version also boasts "transactional support", so in the event of a failure halfway through an operation, the transaction will "roll back" to its original owner.

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