26 August 2001, 11:52 GMT

An artist's impression of Steve Ballmer

Ever since the bouncy Microsoft CEO's "dance monkey boy" video hit the Internet like a tornado, the zany bug-eyed Ballmer has not had a single minute's peace, due to hysterical pranksters aping his monkey-like behaviour.

"Everywhere I go," he complained, "people have started making high-pitched oop-oop noises at me. It's getting so I can't go anywhere without this constant eeping and ooping. I just can't stand it any more!"

Ballmer went public with this news late yesterday, in an angrily worded press release. The document states that "this asinine, sub-simian behavior must stop right NOW. I want you all to GIVE IT UP FOR ME."

In the press release, Ballmer also complains that the abusive behaviour has even spread into the corridors of the Microsoft campus:

"I can't even walk from my office to the water cooler," he complains, "without hearing these horrible, horrible sounds. It's like, I walk past a group of three or four associates. Then one of them starts making monkey noises! If I turn around sharply, they just stop, and carry on talking to each other as if nothing has happened - so I never know who was actually doing it."

"It's everywhere," he adds. "Even when I travel, no matter where I go. It's like this planet has been taken over by apes, just like in the film."

"Even at home," the press release continues, "it's getting so I can't even get to sleep. I'm just dozing off when I hear the shrieks and oop-oop noises from outside my window."

On one of these occasions, Mr Ballmer reportedly leapt out of bed and bounded naked to the window, leaping high in the air, in much the same manner as in his world-famous video. Stretching forward to lean out of the window, he reportedly saw some people running off that he thought he recognised, and shouted after them: "I see you - Developers! Developers! Developers!" As he shouted, his hysterical voice became hoarse, leaving him a whimpering wreck.

Insiders have suggested that Mr Ballmer is becoming increasingly paranoid following this ubiquitous, unrelenting behaviour. A memo was allegedly distributed around the Microsoft campus, offering a reward of seven hundred dollars (roughly 500 UK pounds, or a "monkey") for anyone prepared to reveal the identity of the new ape army's secret gorilla general.

"Anyone would crack eventually under that constant, merciless level of pressure and playground-style taunting," a Microsoft spokeswoman said defensively.

"I consider myself to be the figurehead of Microsoft," Mr Ballmer explains, "proud, intransigent, upstanding. But this cold-hearted behavior really is something else. Now I am a reasonable man, which is why I am convinced that together we can flush out the underground ape army's evil leader. This must be done, because if I fall then so does Microsoft - and if Microsoft falls, God help our nation's economy. If America should fall in turn, then the World will be left wide open for the apes to take over in one vicious, well-aimed strike."

He continues: "I propose that Microsoft lay down a new regime of martial law - which will start with a company rebranding to Martialsoft - and then I shall be perfectly positioned to spearhead the military campaign against the rebel ape invaders."

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