29 July 2001, 11:53 GMT

Every project needs requirements, written down and set in concrete (at least until they need to be changed). However, ernest manager Tomas Gritty has taken the idea to extremes, and demands that everything be based on requirements. Not just things project-related, but absolutely everything that he has power over.

For example, a programmer recently asked if he could have the day off as his mother was sick. "Is it in the requirements?" Gritty immediately snapped.

Luckily for the programmer, Gritty's ever-present paper trail lead back to an obscure 4-year-old document that Gritty had written for a completely different company, which stated that "sick days MUST be based on real illnesses, either self or family-related; the illnesses MAY be life-threatening; the illnesses MAY include herpes, diarrea, migraines, influenza and love handles; the illnesses MUST NOT include common cold, minor headache, minor tummy ache."

The programmer only discovered this document by accident, but managed to convince Gritty that the document still stood as requirements, regardless of its company of origin.

"Everything must be requirements-based!" Gritty thundered at a recent office Christmas party, causing startled co-workers to look round in surprise. "Should I drink this wine? Should I not! Well I say I MUST! It is a MUST-HAVE! Everything in my life is a MUST-HAVE! Except my ex-wife, damn her, and her stupid kittens. They were always MAYBEs, nice-to-haves. I just never realised. Never... realised..."

He proceeded to slump onto his knees, knocking the half-empty punch bowl on top of himself, sobbing uncontrollably at the suddenly very squelchy office carpet.

Nowadays, Gritty has even gone as far as setting up an auto-responder for his email. Regardless of the message, his copy of Outlook will simply reply with: "Is it in the requirements?" He views this as being more than adequate, as most people just don't think about the requirements before launching into a new project, or asking for a slice of his precious time.

"One time," a software tester confided, "I wanted to get some new software that would automate the testing process. It would save us loads of time. But every time I tried emailing Tomas to get a purchase order, he just kept responding with 'Is it in the requirements?' It didn't matter what I said in the email, he just sent the exact same response, every time. That guy has some serious problems."

"It's true," a divisional manager - Gritty's boss - confirmed. "I emailed him to set up a meeting to discuss this attitude problem of his, and he just replied: 'Is it in the requirements?' I don't even know what he meant by that. Do you?"

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