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Even Hotter off our Troll's news desk: Swelling with confidence over a glowing International Olympic Committee evaluation (and subsequent official nod of approval), Chinese sports officials just minutes ago announced their revised version of certain long-standing Olympic rules and traditions.

The first revision to be executed, aptly enough, was the new rule that any athletes who fail an official drug test will be lined up in a row and shot. Furthermore, anyone who attempts to defend the unfortunate athlete or protest their innocence will be lined up next to the accused and shot as well.

A Nation rejoices. Nice people, shame about the tyranny.

"We are... confident that new rule shall be welcome by all participating country," a spokesman for the Chinese Olympic Drugs Committee announced. "Drug abuse of sport are become major problem. Therefore, we intend show World much deal with such problem, Red China style. In fact we most confident that several such execution per day, regardless of nationality, shall be witness. All athlete are equal here in Beijing."

Reports of official opium-inhaling during the formation of these new rules were dismissed as "smoke". In fact, when questioned as to whether the Chinese athletes would be subject to the same close scrutiny and harsh punishments, the spokesman quickly changed the subject, and demanded an explanation for why the English had grown so prosperous from his peoples' inherent loyalty and forced addiction to brain-addling substances.

"Of course," the announcement continued, "any media coverage of Game shall be give close scrutiny... before any story are be allow to air. Because hence, we very confident of all Gold Medal go to Chinese, how you say... regardless of reality."

Beijing 2008 Olympics: All Your Athlete Are Belong To Us (Part One)

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