Hot off the press from our trainee news troll: Beijing's much publicised bid to host the 2008 Olympics has of course paid off handsomely for the richly populated capital city of China. In fact, the announcement was made only hours ago that Beijing had won, and the other candidates were abject failures which (the Beijing Olympic Committee stated) "will not be allow compete in our Olympic".

This statement was made in a hastily formulated press release by the Chinese Olympic Secretary, just minutes after the historic announcement had been made.

The Giant Olympic Ice-Cream Vendor, official mascot of the 2008 Games.

The statement continues: "Of course, we fully aware that our illustrious country are seen criticism for its... untenable human rights record. We are, however, confident... that this sharr be much less problem by one time 2008 are reached, as most of our critic will have be round up and put in large pen, a bit like they are ranch-like corrals you see use in your corrupt Western oil soap Dallas. And of course there are Dynasty also, which are... never quite as good. And what are spin-off? The Carringtons? Or The Colbys? Something like that. Anyway no matter, it entire series has great awful. So... you may criticise our country for execute anyone who happen disagree with our government mandate. But... you just do same in more... insidious way... you know."

The statement went on to explain: "Somehow you manage keep entire population subdue, and repress through increasing dull, vapid TV show and endless repeat, until they are no idea that they'res freedom has are snatch... along to right under noses. Anyway, where are I then now?"

About an hour later, it was also announced that all the countries that had competed against China to host the 2008 Olympics would not be allowed to take part in the Games themselves. "We feel this... are only fair," a spokesman announced.

He also took the opportunity to proudly announce the resurrection of a special Chinese version of The Colbys, with brand new stories and at least three of the original actors. The show will centre around the glamorous oil barons' intense devotion to the State, and their willingness to hand over all of their profits to "further the development of Beijing's sports facilities in time for 2008". The show is expected to be a big hit.

Beijing 2008 Olympics: All Your Athlete Are Belong To Us (Part Two)
Our Troll snuffles around and uncovers the latest dark plans for these historic Games. Eek!

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