In an increasingly desperate quest to keep project bids competitive, managers are looking further afield to out-source cheap labour. Several companies have been reported to have started hiring underground trolls as programmers, in a surprisingly effective cost-cutting move.

In a recent interview, Larry Erikkson from Norwegian data-mining company RuggleSoft told us: "We're facing an increasingly difficult economic climate, and we have to score savings wherever we can. You know, we've scoured the lands of this world, all the way to its alleged four corners, and quite frankly there is no cheap labour left - I think they've all wised up.

"In fact, all the cheapo programmers from third-world countries are now in such hot demand from cost-cutters like ourselves, that their prices have skyrocketed. And so, in a recent management think-tank, we decided to think outside the box, and use the full three spatial dimensions available to us - i.e. we're now looking down as well as around."

Erikkson continues: "We are digging through caves, tunnels and wading through underground rivers. We have already encountered several troll settlements, and - if this experiment proves successful - we will also expand our efforts to encompass goblins, dwarves and hobbits. We also looked for wombles and fraggles, but we think the trolls must have eaten them all.

"It's amazing to think that we have searched for hundreds, thousands of miles, and yet just a few hundred feet beneath us, there is an entire wealth of cheap labour just waiting to be exploited. The best part of it is that these creatures do not speak our language - some of them can barely even grunt their own name (those that have names, that is) - giving us an automatic and unequivocable excuse for any failed projects (which will be all of them, let's face it).

"We have had some problems, of course. For example, there have been occassional incidents when our programmers have visited the trolls' caves to discuss some program or technical spec, and have not returned. Bearing this in mind, we have begun a programme of remote working, installing high-bandwidth DSL cables into the troll caves. It's a risky business, as the cable technicians command extortionate danger money from us. One time, a technician had just set up a webcam in a recently discovered troll cave, and had just switched it on, only to be set upon from behind by several hungry trolls.

"We could only watch with horror from our Microsoft NetMeeting client, and listen to the screams and sound of crunching bones. We were horrified, as of course the cost of replacing this technician, and paying off his family, could almost negate the cost benefits of that particular project. We have to be soo careful, you know. Anyway we have taken steps to avoid this sort of incident being repeated - mainly, to avoid sending people down there during the trolls' dinner-time.

"Another drawback to this scheme is that the trolls cannot come out in the Sun, lest they turn to stone. This has created definite petrification problems. However, we have some very creative management on board, and with their usual flair they have managed to turn this particular problem into an advantage. Basically, our programmers churn out code until sundown, then check their half-complete code into an on-line CVS repository. The trolls then wake up, check out the half-complete code, and carry on where our programmers left off - until 2 minutes before dawn, when they must quickly check their progressed code back in.

"And so it goes on - creating a 24/7 development cycle. Ingenious. For some reason this arrangement is not popular with our programmers, who keep muttering something about 'consistency and logic', and something else about 'digging ditches'. However the scheme makes perfect economic sense, and looks great on our project plans. Our clients are really impressed by this sort of thing, and our consultants describe it as a 'unified round-the-clock methodology'. Excellent stuff, we have such bright sparks on board to help make me look good."

Similar pilot schemes have also been set up with trainee mermaids and naiads (using special waterproof laptop PCs from Hewlett Packard), tree spirits (dryads), even some slightly scary creatures found skulking around in mystical lands lurking in the backs of dusty old wardrobes.

An enterprising pilot scheme has also been set up in the UK. This scheme aims to harness the mystical powers of those strange creatures that often roam onto Stonehenge during a full moon. We spoke to Derek Sniffer from enterprising UK software house MaybeNextTime Ltd:

"This process involves our techie staff really getting into the minds of the Stonehenge spirits - basically, getting naked then being tied to a standing stone all night, whilst female virgins dance around chanting mystical rites. In the morning, the programmer returns to his PC with a head full of new code. It's an amazing process, one that is very popular with our programmers."

Industry Feedback:

Mary A. Skunk, Web Designer, NJ:
"I have to say this article is in the poorest possible taste. I lost most of my design team to a family of trolls living in New Jersey. People think just because they're cute and furry that they don't eat people. Well I can tell you for free that they do!"

ELSEWHERE - TENUOUSLY RELATED STORIES & SITES:

News Trolls
Planting fictional and absurd content in the news media.

About Trolls and Flamers
Some rant or other about how to deal with newsgroup trolls. The easiest answer is: just don't take them so flippin' seriously!

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