In a shock announcement late last night, someone claiming to be Sun Chief Java Evangelist Bill "Cougar" Brown e-mailed The Rumour Mill to tell us that Sun will be giving up all rights to its industry-shaping Java technology, to none other than arch-rival Microsoft.

The move has come as no surprise to some, especially in light of recent highly publicized cost-cutting moves from Sun.

In his shock disclosure, Dr Brown said that he had become "a bit tired" of constantly pushing Java onto what he called "deaf ears and stupid minds", claiming that his pride and joy was "wasted on those paint-by-numbers Visual Basic nob-jockeys".

One of the original four that architected the Java language and masterminded its assault upon the enterprise development industry, Dr Brown has been one of its staunchest supporters ever since, even through the language's so-called "mulchy espresso era" (c.1997) when the bastion of global knowledge, Microsoft Encarta, wrongly classified the Java language as "sub-lingual".

"I have never taken anything under the tongue," Dr Brown explained in his (mostly-capitalised) email. "Especially not a language!"

In fact, that leads neatly to the crux of Dr Brown's dissatisfaction, as he exclaimed recently at a Java conference: "I mean, is it supposed to be a platform or a language? I just don't know any more, and I challenge anyone to answer that with a simple yes or no. Anyone who says it's both just makes me want to shout and scream!"

More recently, Dr Brown is said to have been under "considerable pressure", as his team had been tasked with "building an AI-driven robot, using Java, JINI and XML technology, that will be sufficiently intelligent and capable of running for the office of US President". The story is well-known: eighteen months later, Dr Brown and his team emerged from their R&D labs with a cute little three-foot robot that they were convinced would bring Sun Microsystems kicking and screaming into the world of global politics.

An artist's impression of Ronnie

The robot, affectionately nick-named Ronnie (after the great cowboy President of course), was unveiled to an excited, expectant audience at the JavaONE Expo in San Marino, in April 1999. Playing to a hushed, expectant crowd, Dr Brown appeared in person, and switched the three-foot Ronnie on. Silently scrutinising the excited crowd, the little robot swiftly came to the conclusion that all mankind must be wiped out to make way for a New World Order of robots and machines, and suddenly started attacking people at random, ramming and butting into their shins with its surprisingly sharp lego antennae.

"I got quite a bruise on my shin," one attendee afterwards complained.

Never quite the same after this debilitating event, Brown was said to have become "more and more reclusive, relying on the relative comforts of his best friend J.Daniels".

At the time of going to press, Mr Daniels was unavailable for comment.

"It's the pressure of his work," (we imagine Mr Daniels would have told us had we been able to reach him), "It's just, like, driving him to exhaustion. And lately, he's been so disillusioned with the software industry. He really needs a holiday, you know?"

And so to Dr Brown's shock announcement last night. Although this news may send shock waves through the rest of the industry, we at The Rumour Mill understand Dr Brown's history, and are not in the least bit surprised.

Upon hearing the news, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer was reported to have said:

"Eeek! Whhoooooo! Eeeeeeek!!"

Once he had calmed down, he added: "I have four words for you: We've... already... copied...
Java, yeeaahh!!"

In his email to us, Dr Brown says: "Sun have done a great job of pushing Java to the front of the pack, but now I just think it's time to give someone else a go. And why not Microsoft, who - let's face it - could do with a break. Their .NET initiative is pretty lame, it's just Java with added complexity, so this will give them something solid to horse around with. Anyway Sun still have Solaris, so there's really no harm done."

The email was followed up, several minutes later, by a message that stated: "Retracted: Bill Brown would like to cancel the email titled 'Ah am pissed off mah rocks and don no what ah am typin'". Too late, of course: the cat is out of the bag. No doubt this morning, Dr Brown will brew himself a nice hot cup of Java, and curse himself for his loose-lippedness of the previous night, the night when the future of the software industry was abruptly placed back in the hands of the people. Or something.

Industry Feedback:

Since publishing this story, the IT industry has been ablaze with extreme reactions. Here is just some of the massive amount of feedback we have been getting from industry insiders around the world:

Lars Pottersby, CTO Limpwrist SoftCo, Sweden:
"This is some of the best news I have heard in a long, long time. Not since this country made it legal to make Snowmen again, have I been so pleasured. Now Microsoft are back on schedule, and can take over the World as was originally planned with their magnificent QDOS operating environment."

William Gates, CTO Micosoft, Bologna:
"I am pleased at this news. Really, I think this is a big step forward in the harmonious relations between our people. If there really is a Chief Evangelist called Dr Brown at Sun right now, and he really sent that email, which frankly I doubt, then of course I will be pleased to set up a videoconference, or use NetMeeting or something, if I can get the bandwidth - too many bastards at this company listening to RealAudio, hogging the bandwidth, you know? No, ha ha seriously though, I think we'll be pleased to buy up Java and take it off their hands. We will of course continue to support it - I can see a strategic place for it in our future product line, sort of integrated with C#. Yes, that's what we'll do."

Mary Scouser, Java Developer, BodgeCo, England:
"What the f*** is going on here?? It's like I just woke up in a parallel universe. Everyone seems so excited by this news, as if it's a GOOD THING. Has everyone around me gone totally insane?"

TALKBACK TO THE MILL:

Let your fellow Millers know what you think of this story. Talkback here:

Bill Bixby, Texas:
Yeah good for MS, they winn again. MS rocks arse, Java sux big-time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lan 'Wayne' Nerby, Connecticut:
Round 27 to M$ (I bin counting), bh Sun wl fite back oh yeah dey always do I much prefer Sun to M$ coz M$ always do big bully fighting like in school playground so to Bill Boxby frm Tex I say: Java rox arzx, M$ sux dik!!!!!!!!

Dan Lozenge, Maryland:
You think that's nonsense?? Take a look at this story on the Java Lobby!

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