IT Support Department to Hire Rottweilers as Technicians

13 January 2002, 17:38 GMT

A trainee technician being taught to regard its users with contemptuous loathing

The vicious German breed of gun dog will make a great contribution to the increasingly approachable image of most corporate IT support desks.

"Our team is not nearly fierce enough," Support Manager Barry Gnasher explained. "When someone phones up to say their PC or printer is not working, they expect to be shouted at, or for the technician to grumble bitterly and haul himself slowly into action. It is most important for the caller to be treated with utter contempt, as if he or she has just burst naked into the room in the middle of the technician's grandmother's funeral."

We asked Gnasher why this had led him to decide to hire Rottweilers to do the job.

"Are you still here?" he replied, sounding surprised and impatient. "I thought we were finished. Okay, well to be honest, standards have been slipping recently. We had one case only last week, where an employee phoned me up to commend one of my technicians for his politeness and diligence in getting the matter resolved promptly and without any fuss. In fact, the employee was able to resume her work within ten minutes of reporting a problem."

He explained: "Of course this could potentially lead to a situation where people are not at all nervous of telling us when something has gone wrong. Instead of soldiering on with faulty equipment for another two weeks until all productivity ceases, people will start calling us straightaway with their petty little problems and expecting an immediate resolution. This is why I am convinced that putting Rottweilers on the front line will put these horrible little people back in their place. When someone phones up, the angry dog will growl and snarl at them."

He continued: "If they persist with their petty snivelling, the dogs are trained to identify the department that the employee is calling from, and to run down there, barking away, sharpened claws slipping and tearing the plush office carpet, its baying howls bringing fear to all the departments that it passes - that's an added benefit of course - finally to leap up at the poor terrified employee and pin them to the ground, the dog's fetid hot breath bringing tears to the screaming employee's wide-open, petrified, bloodshot eyes. Care for a mint?"

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