Comment: 'Windows for Cripples' is Height of Bad Taste

12 August 2004, 21:43 GMT

Peg-legged pirates are reportedly "hopping mad" at the announcement

Microsoft's recent announcement that they are to offer Asian PC users a "cripple version" of Windows XP (ostensibly to woo pirates) received a dour response from paraplegic Asian pirates this week.

Here at The Rumour Mill, we are frankly appalled that an upstanding and law-abiding company such as Microsoft should stoop to the very bowels of poor taste.

In addition to being targeted at cripples, this special edition of Windows will be locked into an 800x600 resolution, and will allow only 3 programs and 3 windows per program to run concurrently.

President of the Cripples Association of Pirates and Other Scoundrels (CrAP-OS), a Mr L.J. Silver, described the offer as "insulting to all pirates and our ilk."

He added: "Asian pirates are the last people to buy software. Perhaps Microsoft should instead be targeting old people, who are often disabled and find more than one window confusing?"

"And anyway," the one-legged, one-eyed Silver pointed out, "how long before pirates find a patch to get around the limit?"

"This is outrageous," barked Indonesian pirate One-Hung-Low.

Clippy Replacement

Clippy's replacement, Crippy

The paraplegic edition of Windows will reportedly include a stumpy pirate called Crippy as a replacement for everyone's favourite chirpy assistant Clippy. On hearing this, Mr Silver reportedly relaxed slightly, and acquiesed: "Well, at least Microsoft are making some effort to make the product appeal to its core demographic." Clippy's agent, however, is said to be "highly annoyed" that Clippy will not be making an appearance in the Asian cripple edition.

It's been suggested that this move by Microsoft has more to do with the "fall into favour" of rival open source OS Linux in developing nations. Windows fans deny this, however. "Pirates are bound to be happy with this edition," said Windows PC fan Zalman Flowers. "They've already grown used to making do without a full set of limbs. What's a crippled piece of software to these resourceful old rogues?"

Pirate Program to Extend into the Caribbean?

Ms Knightley probably would have been unavailable for comment, had we tried to reach her.

The pirate program will start off in Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia; it's also wrongly rumoured that the program will extend to the Caribbean island of Jamaica, reported to be the secret hideaway of pirate jailbait Keira Knightley - but it's this very aspect that has pirates snorting prematurely into their powder kegs.

In defence of their decision to woo pirates with inferior software, MS CEO Steve Ballmer might have bellowed: "Pirates are riddled with viruses - in fact they're inherently viral, just like the GPL! Anyway, I see this move as a positive sign that we are not in any way contemptuous towards our foreign friends, and fully expect them to embrace our measly cut-down product with whatever limbs they have available."

He added: "And remember, there's no such thing as emule or BitTorrent, trust the wizard, don't look behind the curtain. And kids, piracy makes the baby Jesus cry."

We are left wondering what new product announcements may be on the MS horizon, and whether they could lower themselves any further in the poor taste department. Perhaps a special one-window edition for Africa for only $10? Or Windows 3.1 Anniversary Edition for Chinese Peasants?

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Y'arrrrr!
Capn' Redbeard 

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