"Our Patented Denial-of-Service Attacks Will Knock Disparaging Sites Off The Internet"

14 October 2001, 17:37 GMT

"This could be the start of a wonderful friendship," said Microsoft spokeswoman Lambretta Discord.

"In many ways," she explained, "Microsoft has very similar views to the music business: in particular, we pretend to love our customer base whilst secretly despising every last atom in their thieving, ungrateful, wormlike bodies."

"Of course," added Discord, "we are extremely devoted to our wonderful customers, and to giving them excellent value for money. This is why we have taken steps to avoid any disparaging remarks ever being made about our company. I was talking to Billy the other day, from the music industry, and he agrees that we should join forces, and use the latest shiny new denial-of-service technology to knock any disparaging sites into oblivion."

"It's just not on," she continued, her mouth frothing slightly. "I have seen companies openly criticise Microsoft, for example our policy of releasing flaky, easily hackable server and client software, then failing to release patches to known holes for ages and ages, finally relenting when no-good security experts force us into action by making these security holes public. And for some reason, punters believe that we are the ones with the attitude problem!"

So how does this involve the music industry?

"That's the clever bit," enthused Discord. "Quite simply, any sites that dare to dislike any particular band, brand or style of music will be quickly and precisely zapped off the Internet, with the accuracy and precision of a laser beam. This means that finally all styles of music - folk, jazz, reggae, thrash metal, boy bands, Christian pop/rap - all these styles can be enjoyed by everyone in the peace and quiet of their own home, without fear of persecution and ridicule."

Apparently this also ties in with a recent proposal in the UK to outlaw incitement to religious hatred.

"Absolutely!" agreed Discord, nodding furiously. "Home Secretary David Blunkett has proposed to make it a criminal offense to make jokes about any religion. Or something like that. Anyway we've written to him, asking if this can be extended to include musical styles, and - of course - specific software products. To be quite honest, we're sick to the back teeth of all those Windows jokes - 'blue screen of death', 'three-fingered salute' and all that. If we can outlaw all that crap, then we can all just relax and get on with our lives."

Elsewhere - Related Stories:

BBC: Religious Hate Law Failings

Related Rumour Mill Stories:

Microsoft Bans Free Speech: Enterprising Website Emerges Victorious (kind of) September 23, 2001

Bootscrubber Lambasts Software Industry September 23, 2001

Microsoft: "Security is Really Not Our Problem!" October 21, 2001

Back to The Rumour Mill