30 September 2001, 12:57 GMT

Children's Welfare Officer Teddy Cardigan lambasts Microsoft.

Microsoft Stalker Caught With Pants Down

Desperate not to sound too desperate, ex-Microsoft employee Katy Redboil admitted yesterday that she had been caught posting "potentially inflammatory" messages to popular kids' newsgroups and message forums on MSN.

In her messages, Redboil had allegedly been promising twinky bars and other candy treats for any kids that would be prepared to go on record as saying that they love Microsoft and regularly use Microsoft's products.

The move follows a recent Microsoft campaign, in which an MS spinmeister posted messages to an MSN newsgroup begging for people to "stand up and be counted", and basically to say that they love and cherish the new Windows XP. The begmeister urged people to give their spontaneous quotes "in the following format...", and also suggested that anyone with only negative things to say shouldn't bother to respond.

Meanwhile Miss Redboil, who had been fired from Microsoft under "dubious circumstances" involving "a ten ton truck and a near-fatal incident with MS CTO and pedestrian Bill Gates", has been actively trying to win her way back into the company's affections ever since.

"There's only Microsofts," she explained, twirling her unkempt hair. "No other employer will do. I want them back in my life, and I'm sure that deep down, they're just playing hard to get." She was apparently certain that she could help her former employer by taking their campaign to "the next level".

In fact the twinky-bar incident is just the latest in a long stream of stunts and escapades intended to try and charm the tech monolith's top two into accepting her "back onto the Redmond campus with open arms, fatted calf at the ready". When these stunts consistently failed to elicit a response from any of MS' top brass, Miss Redboil began her brief phase of being angry and spurned. This chiefly involved nailing scraped-up roadkill to Bill Gates' front door. This phase passed quickly, however, and Miss Redboil felt that an extra-special gesture was in order, to try and make up for her "just awful behaviors". Hence the twinky bars.

The twinky-bar incident has been openly criticised by Children's Welfare officer Teddy Cardigan. Cardigan complained: "This conjures up all sorts of horrible images of gigantic predatory corporations preying on innocent little kiddies, hanging around near the playground, that sort of thing. I know they haven't done anything like that, but even so... I'm sure this directly violates several codes of ethics and things, although I can't quite put my finger on the exact ones right now. Can I call you back?"

Meanwhile, Redboil admitted that she had made the postings "on MS' behalf", and added that "neither Bill nor Steve knew nuffink about this, okay? I just wanted to help, 'cos they was saying that they had trouble getting anyones to say they likes Microsoft. But me, I'm like their biggest fan, so this just struck me as a quick and easy way to get loadsa names an' fings."

She added: "I thought maybe they'd love me after this, an' remove the restraining order. I'm sure that were just a clerical errors anyways. Well, if truth be known I'm real sorry - I had no ideas my litta scheme would cause so much troubles."

"The crazy thing is," she added, "They've had so much troubles getting people to say they like them, yet here I am is - their biggest fan, all ready to say I loves them, but they is just barely aware that I exists!"

At the time of writing, neither Steve Ballmer nor Bill Gates was available to either confirm or deny this story.

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Microsoft Bans Free Speech: Enterprising Website Emerges Victorious (kind of) September 23, 2001

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