Cost-Cutting Airlines to Replace Stewardesses With Self-Service Tea/Coffee Dispensers

17 March 2002, 17:37 GMT

Customers are doin' it for themselves...

Following rumours that British Airways is to reinvent itself as a low-cost "no-frills" airline, air transport execs have been scrambling to find new ways of cutting costs.

The latest in a long line of cost-cutting initiatives involves the installation of self-service tea and coffee dispensers in most passenger aeroplanes.

Each plane will have at least one drinks dispenser, or two for larger craft such as the Boeing 747.

But won't this cause problems with passengers blocking the aisle, preventing them from returning to their seats?

BA Assistant Chairman Roddie Forward explains: "Well, we haven't worked our way through the specifics yet. No, the first stage is to examine in detail the economic impact of this move, and so far it looks promising."

"Right now," he continued, "we have to think about ways of saving money. The lower-cost airlines were invented with no-frills and low costs in mind, hence their infrastructure reflects that. We have to reinvent BA one step at a time, rebuild it from the inside out: we must examine the time, cost and effort involved at every step of our operation. It's a long-haul process, and the drinks dispensers are just the beginning."

Won't people cause "logjams", with everyone making a beeline for the drinks dispenser at peak times, like just after their airline meal?

"Not at all," insisted Forward. "The specifics won't become an issue until the dispensers are actually installed. Then we can think about how best to organise the passengers."

Flight stewardess Mary Skyhigh is keen on the idea: "Sometimes I get so fed up, especially during the long-haul flights, of carting these massive jugs up and down the plane (not to mention the tea and coffee pitchers), saying over and over: 'Tea..? Coffeee..? Teea..? Coffeee..?' And people just stare at you dumbly, and pause for ages before they respond - that's if they bother to respond at all. As if I don't have better things to do! No, this move will definitely make my life a whole lot easier."

But her colleague, male steward Ricky Mincer, is more reserved in his approval of the plan: "Well, the move has its advantages and its disadvantages," he replied tactfully.

If the move is successful, flight chiefs enthuse, then the scheme will be expanded to include self-service food dispensers, possibly even a self-catering kitchen complete with its own microwave, gas oven and waffle toaster.

Passengers will, of course, have to queue up and take it in turns to prepare their meal.

Enthused Skyhigh: "There is a danger that we will be ready to land before everyone has prepared their food. Maybe half the passengers will go hungry. But that's a small price to pay for the added freedom and flexibility of being able to choose how their own food is prepared - you know there are so many variations, like some people want their eggs boiled, others fried, sunny side up, and so on."

Assistant Chairman Roddie Forward is confident that with inventive money-saving schemes such as this, BA will return to profit by October 15, 2048.

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