It's an Open and Shut Case... Ouch!

20 February 2005, 15:43 GMT

"High-pitched yelps"

Crown prosecution lawyers in London, UK are hoping that a new hard-line measure could help put an end to US-style frivolous lawsuits.

In the UK, "no win no fee" prosecutors have begun to spring out of the woodwork, emulating US-style million-dollar lawsuits for such accidents as people falling off small stepladders and spraining their ankle, or tubby children sueing their parents for not sueing McDonalds for the child's implacable greed.

Under new legislation, if a lawsuit fails, both the prosecuting lawyer and his client must stand in front of the judge, their shoulders slumped in defeat, and balance their family jewels on the edge of an open brief-case. After a suitable and excruciating pause, the brief-case is then slammed shut by a gleeful defence attorney.

Both the prosecutor and the client must remain totally silent during their punishment. If either "member" cries out, then the action is repeated for both participants. Often, this turns into a series of rapid open and shut cases, punctuated by sharp, increasingly high-pitched yelps from both the prosecutor and his client.

Defence attorneys have been sent on rigorous training courses, to learn to extract the most pain whilst doing the least amount of damage.

"We're not barbarians, after all," defence lawyer Sally Gnuttall commented. "We're here to uphold the dignity of the British legal system, and if that involves slamming the plaintiff's balls in a briefcase, then that's what it takes. But we don't want to make eunuchs out of them!" she added with a cheeky quip.

"This new legislature will help to separate the genuine claims from the frivolous," explained Attorney-at-Law Gerald Purpelfirm. "A lot of people think to themselves, 'well I don't really have a case here, but it won't cost me anything so what have I got to lose?' The cost to the Crown of this increasing stream of pointless claims means nothing to these people. Well, perhaps the prospect of a short sharp shock to the cullions will make them think twice before waving their flagrantness in the face of our judges, so to speak. Wasters and scoundrels, every last one of them - the claimants, that is."

When asked how this process would be applied to female claimants, Purpelfirm looked annoyed. "Well, I suppose we could look for a similar bite-back for women but I really wouldn't want to. They're lovely, you know."

There has been criticism that the new measure might cause genuine claimants to hold back, and to avoid claiming what is rightfully theirs for fear of waddling home from the courthouse in a purple haze.

"Well," Purpelfirm countered, "This is unlikely. You just have to look at the results: in the three months since these measures were introduced, claims for injuries and other personal lawsuits have fallen by nearly 80%. The cases that are left must sorely be all genuine. So a 100% success rate is not something to be sniffed at."

He added: "This new legislature has miraculously enhanced the integrity and the dignity of the British legal system. God save the Queen!!"

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