Quixotic Coe: Terribly Sorry, We've Changed Our Minds

6 July 2005, 15:43 GMT

"We did it!!... Oh bugger."

Just minutes after the 2012 Olympics were awarded to a slightly embarrassed London, campaign leader Lord Seb Coe admitted: “It was all about the chase. It was all about wanting something that we knew deep-down that we couldn’t have, like an expensive stereo system or a PlayStation 3. But we didn’t seriously expect to win, for pity’s sakes.”

He coughed uneasily, then added: “I mean winning like this... it’s just not very British, is it? I’m frankly a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation. As far as I’m concerned Paris can have the Games, if they still want them. We’ll all support them and travel to Paris in 2012, which is more than could be said the other way around, seeing as Chirac hates our home cooking so much.”

While British supporters cheered ecstatically in the streets of London following the announcement, Coe mumbled: “They have no idea how much work these Games are going to involve. Of course they’re cheering: they won’t be the ones slogging their guts out to get everything ready in time.”

He added: “We just didn’t think it through. It struck me over lunch, while we were waiting for the result, that it would be tempting just not to bother if we got it. It would be so easy. Then this piece of asparagus sort of looked up at me from my plate and said: 'Hey Seb, easy isn't necessarily bad, guy. You've proved that you can get the Games, and that's what's important.' I may have eaten the asparagus, but its legacy lives on.”

Lord Coe is widely recognized to have grabbed the London Olympic bid by the horn and given it a good hard yank (several times), resulting in the rejuvenation of the previously drooping campaign and a last-minute surge of popularity for the London 2012 team.

Coe explained: “I know this is going to surprise a lot of people; everyone expects me to be totally in favour of London hosting the 2012 Games, one hundred percent; but I have to be honest, both with myself and with the many people I represent. To be honest, I think what won it for us was all the IT flybys. London is the best place in the world for graphical flybys, but we haven't actually planned the stadium beyond a 3D Studio wireframe. I implore you, don't go to Stratford as you'll only get mugged - or stabbed, like my precious little asparagus friend. I do miss him so...”

Blair Bounds to Coe's Defence

UK Premier Tony Blair took a few minutes out from the G8 summit to back up the troubled Coe. His hair curiously styled like Noddy Holder's perm (prompting speculation about what was really going on inside Gleneagles), Blair insisted: “He's our hero of the hour, my new Prez Bush, and we'll back him whatever he decides. So if he wants to cancel, we all cancel with him, even if he was advised by a piece of asparagus, which he then ate. In fact I would say to you that, looking back over the whole campaign, British support for the Games has been much lower than expected. In fact, the majority of Londoners just don’t want the Games on their manor, so to speak. And I can honestly say that we have figures to prove this.”

Blair was pushed to explain why, just days ago, he’d claimed that the majority of Londoners were in favour of hosting the Games – but that putting an exact number on the proportion of Londoners in favour would be “even trickier than counting illegal immigrants.”

“I may have said that,” he responded quickly, “but you have to judge me on my character, and what I plan to do looking forward. And looking forward now, I say to you that we must work together to hatch a scheme to escape this giant bloodsucking costly albatross threatening to invade our shores in 2012, without offending the Olympic Committee.”

When asked about Tessa Jowell's appointment as the new Olympic Minister, Mr Blair responded: "Assuming the Games go ahead, which is doubtful after the asparagus incident, it would be a golden opportunity to fit out the Olympic facilities with 24/7 gaming tables. It's all about the kids, after all."

Big Galloping Steam Train

An increasingly depressed-looking Lord Coe added: “I’m… just so tired. It’s been an uphill struggle. It’s been tough already, but… to prepare and host a full-on Olympic Games? Man, that’s going to be some seriously hard work, and – a lot of my friends and associates agree with me, by the way – now that we’ve got it, it just doesn’t seem like such a great idea after all. Besides, it all started as a bit of a lark, you know? We didn’t expect anyone to take this so seriously; but then more and more high-profile celebrities got involved. And then when even Nelson Mandela got involved, I just thought: Oh, my shitting aunt, this is getting really out of hand. Then before we knew it, I felt like we were on this big galloping steam train that I couldn’t land without it sinking.”

Shortly after the final vote results were announced, the London team – amongst them Coe, Beckham, and a haggard-looking Sven-Goran Eriksson – huddled in a corner and fervently discussed who among them should tell the Committee that they’d changed their minds. At one point they were seen to be performing what looked like “Rock/Paper/Scissors”. Finally, after panicky shouts of “Best out of five!” and “No, you crazy fool, rock does not beat paper if it’s a wet paper bag”, they resorted to several rounds of “One potato, two potato”, in a series of elimination rounds which eerily echoed the Olympic Committee’s own voting process. Finally, after further arguing, they decided unanimously that 14-year old Amber Charles should be the one to break the news.

IOC president Jacques Rogge was said to be “deeply unimpressed” by the London team’s sudden change of heart.

External Links

London 2012 Website

IOC

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